Author Topic: Saturday Humor  (Read 28051 times)

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Online ford832

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2011, 01:25:07 PM »
Hahahaha,I guess most of us are lesbians.Funny stuff aside,once she starts talking like that,it's almost enough to get one er,wound up :o :D

Offline FactoryX

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2011, 08:59:07 PM »


Offline TMKIWI

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2011, 02:21:21 PM »
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Offline TMKIWI

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2011, 02:51:09 PM »
The recession has hit everybody really hard...



My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail



CEO's are now playing miniature golf.



Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.



I saw a Mormon with only one wife.



If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.



McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.



Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.



Parents in Manhattan fired their nannies and learned their children's names.



My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!



A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.



A picture is now only worth 200 words.



When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.



The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Offline TMKIWI

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #19 on: September 28, 2011, 11:58:35 AM »
THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.. It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


And the moral of this story is:





















Always keep your condoms in your car.
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Online ford832

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #20 on: September 28, 2011, 03:55:52 PM »
Hahaha.Before the punchline I mostly thinking it would have probably been worth it anyway. :D

Offline SachsGS

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #21 on: September 29, 2011, 08:07:27 AM »
Canada is a large,diverse land and may best be described as a cultural mosaic inhabited by a diverse plethora of ethnic groups.From the original aboriginal inhabitants,to the predominantly english speaking west,to the french speaking province of Quebec and,finally, the eastern most province of Newfoundland whose population still speak a variation of english similar to their irish ancestors,we find almost every group of mankind represented.......

 As the clouds parted over the Grand Banks off the coast of Newfoundland a space ship hovered over an unsuspecting fishermen rowing his boat.While the fisherman sang "Ize the boyz who rows the boat" little did he realize that overhead two green aliens were discussing his fate.

 "Zlog, lets have some fun!" muttered the little green alien as he peered down on the fisherman.
 "No way!The last time I listened to you I was locked up for a Zlingyen light year!" his co-pilot replied to Zlig.
 "Ah come on.Last time it was so much fun frying that earthling's brains".

  (Unknown to the aliens the 43rd president of the United States did indeed survive the attack.)

 With that Zlig proceeded to pull out the stun gun,set it at 1/4 brain evaporation and,aiming at the spot at the rear of the fisherman's head just below his hat,pulled the trigger.

 "No Zlig!" uttered Zlog as the fisherman froze,comatose,for a period of 30 seconds.

 "I'ze the boyz who rows the boat" began to trickle in over the microphone as Zlig,surprised at the durability of the earthling,set the gun to 1/2.

 "Zlig,you will permanently damage the earthling's brain at that setting!".It didn't matter for he had already pulled the trigger.The blast threw the fisherman into the rear of the boat,knocking him out for a full two minutes.

 "I'ze the boyz that rows the boat" once again began to trickle in over the microphone.Zlig was now on a mission to subdue this creature as he increased the setting to 3/4 and blasted the poor unsuspecting Newfoundler into oblivion.Smoke rose from his head as the fisherman was unconscious for a full 5 minutes.

 "I'ze the boyz that rows the boat".

 Enraged,his single yellow eye bulging from his green head,Zlig set the stun gun to max.

 "No Zlig,you will entirely remove the earthling's brain at that setting" screamed Zlog as a flash of lighting emanated from the alien spaceship to the rowboat in the waters below.The blast once again knocked the fisherman into the rear of the boat, flopping like a fish and smoke billowing from his ears like a freight train.

 The fisherman then lay quite still in the rowboat as the aliens fought in the space ship above.

 Then,at first very faintly, and ,as he got up and began to row,the fisherman began to sing.

 The aliens were utterly astounded that a creature could function without a brain

 "Alouette,jaunte Alouette". :D
« Last Edit: September 29, 2011, 08:09:34 AM by SachsGS »

Offline TMKIWI

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #22 on: September 29, 2011, 11:14:23 AM »
What was he doing "rowing to the Grand Banks" ;)
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Online ford832

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #23 on: September 29, 2011, 02:18:18 PM »
He was trying to stop the NZ chick who just caught one of our 900lb tuna. :D

http://atlantic.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110928/tuna_record_110928/20110928/?hub=AtlanticHome

Damn NZers  :P


Online ford832

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #24 on: October 01, 2011, 03:05:43 AM »
The F word


Offline SachsGS

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #25 on: October 11, 2011, 06:26:32 AM »
This is a true story....

 It was a warm late Spring day when a customer dropped off a Yamaha XS1100 for a tuneup.The Yammi was an older bike,saddlebags but no windscreen, and still in nice shape.After a little chit-chat the customer said goodbye and was on his way.I wheeled the old brute into the shop and let the Technicians have at her.

 Spring turned into Summer and many messages later still no customer.It was late November,very cold and starting to snow when the Yamaha owner finally showed up at my door.He was dressed in a snowmobile suit and I could tell by the Michelin man silhouette that he had a few jackets stuffed underneath for good measure.He had an agitated look in his eyes,quickly paid his bill and proceeded to load belongings into the saddlebags of his bike.I told him it would take all of five minutes to load the bike into the shop truck and drive him home.The customer said he had to be in Fort MacMurray,Alberta the next morning for a job interview.

 Fort MacMurray! The town was 1200 km's northeast of my shop! That would be like riding into the depths of Siberia in the middle of Winter!The customer then rode away into the falling snow.

 I found out later that the man had assaulted his wife and when he showed up at my door the Police were in hot pursuit.

 Update: I have recently received credible information that the fugitive is now living quietly in Atlantic Canada under an assumed identity,has remarried and has a young daughter, and is still riding Yamahas.... :-X
« Last Edit: October 11, 2011, 06:52:42 AM by SachsGS »

Offline TMKIWI

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #26 on: October 11, 2011, 11:34:53 AM »
Update: I have recently received credible information that the fugitive is now living quietly in Atlantic Canada under an assumed identity,has remarried and has a young daughter, and is still riding Yamahas.... :-X

 ;D ;D
If you don't fall off you are not going hard enough

Online ford832

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #27 on: October 11, 2011, 12:51:59 PM »
 ::) Rumour also has it said fugitive froze his boys off during the flight from the law  :D

Online ford832

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #28 on: October 12, 2011, 03:44:33 PM »
Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time,a Prince asked a beautiful Princess-"Will you marry me?"The princess said-NO! and the prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey and beer and Captain Morgan and never heard ****ing or paid alimony or child support and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was freakin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


THE END
« Last Edit: October 12, 2011, 04:13:47 PM by ford832 »

Offline xandyx

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Re: Saturday Humor
« Reply #29 on: October 12, 2011, 05:54:53 PM »
Hahaha, that's a dream life man!!